2024-12-31 21:31
Working on getting the database in order.
Interesting things will be happening here soon.
Working on getting the database in order.
Interesting things will be happening here soon.
Just got home from working 8 hours at Kotteriet.
I've met 300 people today and maxed out my social quota for the rest of the month.
Finally home in bed, comforting my introvert self with some programming.
I intend to make this a very productive year.
Making progress with the database. Currently working on export/import, and after that it's migrations (incremental updates) and "time travel" (restore to point in time).
This is for handling Cloudflare's D1 SQLite databases in general, as part of Lapine Web Engine, but also necessary for proceeding with the development of this journal.
After D1 I will also write functions for R2, Cloudflare's object storage database, with the goal of having file uploads work. This will allow me to post images and create galleries, and also have downloadable files, like my CV and Zines I plan to make in the future.
I'll wait with a full explanation of wtf Lapine Web Engine actually is until I have both D1 and R2 working, but for now I will say it's a unified workflow for making websites and apps using Cloudflare, Electron and Capacitor. It's very ambitious and very useful, and will be the foundation for a lot of interesting projects I have ideas for.
I have decided a few "New Year's resolutions" for this year:
These are of course things in addition to the alredy ongoing missions I need to complete, like making progress with Lapine Web Engine, Engagemanget, Kotteriet and Let's Do the Thing, but these are achievements I really want to accomplish.
I usually set very ambitious goals for myself, but I try to scale things down and be more specific now, in order to increase the chances of actually fulfilling these goals.
I mean, my overly ambitious game development ideas are still on my list of things to do, but they are on a more long term schedule, as I have more immediate things to focus on right now.
Also, I will try to keep more regular work hours as a habit this year, as I'm entering a more productive phase rather than a researching, so to speak, and I want to build a sustainable productive momentum while minimising the risk for burnout.
By "researching" I mean a phase that isn't the opposite of being productive, but a bit more distracted and scattered phase happening while trying to figure things out. I feel much more prepared and certain of what I should be focusing on now in order to build the future I want, which means I can start actualy doing things without wondering if it's what I should be doing, which feels great.
And yes, I know I'm talking about better work routines at five in the morning, but I'm waiting until we can build the home office/workshop that we have planned, as I pretty much only have my bed or our small breakfast table to work at right now, and it just doesn't feel right. So I'll take advantage of my obsessive workaholic night-owl habits a bit more, even if it's not a suitable momentum for keeping focus for a whole year. I need to be a bit more organised if I'm serious about these goals, I think.
I made the mistake of researching online income streams again, because I got inspired by the idea of selling books, but of course I just ended with being overwhelmed and exhausted by the escalating effort needed to be competitive in the market.
Seriously, creating for profit is a fast way to kill your passion.
There's nothing more discuraging for your creative confidence than checking out the competition. And it's not about quality, just the sheer quantity of other things being produced. It's really hard to feel special and relevant in an endless ocean of people just like you.
However, it's of course true that the only way to truly fail is to not participate at all. I won't let this hold me back, I just won't do any market research because it just ruins my mood. I have enough of a struggle as it is with finding my own voice, and comparing myself to a billion other people doesn't help.
I'm not really looking for a quick and easy scheme, just a workflow that makes sense and a niche that feels promising for my skills. It's not the discipline of success that I have issues with, it's the trust in the process. I must believe in the end before I can committ to the start. I have too many projects stuck in development hell already.
Anyway, I'll take a little break from productivity today in order to refocus myself and get back on track with the database programming again. Being eager for progress makes me get distracted by researching new ideas and possibilities, but I already have a plan and should stick to it. I guess I'm just looking forward to producing actual marketable things rather than tools for making them, like Lapine Web Engine is. I have too much going on backstage and not enough on the actual stage, in front of an audience.
But I trust my process, and I'm getting there, even if it's slowly.
I need to stop hanging around on twitter. I've noticed that arguing for things online entertains my brain in the same way as writing code, as it makes me addicted to correcting things and creating order. This is kind of taking away my energy from actual coding.
Sometimes I really do love arguing about philosophical things though. It fascinates me what people can believe in and why, because I myself has been a victim of believing very weird things and finding reality confusing.
Anyway, less twitter, more programming!
Hey, I managed to think up a great idea for Amazon KDP!
I won't reveal exactly what it is, sorry, but it's a very fun twist on coloring books and I'm honestly very excited about it. I imagine it has great potential even though everyone and their grandma are also making coloring books on Amazon KDP.
I have ideas for around 30 themes, so that's good, but each book needs at least 24 pages, so that's... a lot. And I don't like using A.I., so that means I will need to make 720+ illustrations for this to work, but... yeah... I mean, the illustrations are honestly relatively simple, it's more the need for variation that concerns me.
Well, I'm sure I can figure something out. I kow I'll enjoy making them, so that definitely helps.
Although, now that I think about it, it will take like two years if I do one illustration per day, so we'll see how I end up doing this...
Anyway, super fun idea! Really looking forward to making this real, and very excited to see if I can make some sales with it!
I just now identified a strong source for procrastination for me, which is doubt in my own value as a person. It might seem obvious, but I feel like I caught the process of it happening in real time, which made me more aware of it.
I start asking why I am trapped in a low-level situation while I'm not a low-level person, and of course conclude that I'll always be a low-level person as long as I have no financial freedom. So I eagerly start researching shortcuts to make money, even though I already have several solid strategies for how to do so. The problem is just that progress takes time, and while being super focused and continuously building something very ambitious, I eventually have time to ruminate and worry and feel like I'm not doing enough since I'm still stuck in development, and my self doubt starts creeping in.
It's hard to focus on programming when my soul is troubled and I feel sad for all the life I'm missing out on as I'm building towards having the life I dream of.
And this begins the slippery slope of getting lost in emotional escapes and comforts, which is exactly what procrastination is, and while this melancholy mood overtakes me I'm entirely unable to get my brain into gear for hyper focused logical thinking, and the very concept of programming hurts my mind. It literally goes into defensive mode, and make me fall asleep when trying to do complex rational thinking.
The most fascinating thing is that even though I wish on an intellectual level that I could be productive again, and having all the motivation for it, my emotional side overrules everything and makes me executively paralysed. In practice, it means that even though I want to do something, it's a greater truth within me that I really don't want to do it, and therefore I can't, until it's emotionally resolved.
So I can't be productive unless I feel good about myself, or at least emotionally safe. This means it's up to my intellectual side to reassure my emotional side that we're on the right track and our plans are not in vain. Worries are an anchor, and I can only let go of them if I trust my destination.
But the dynamics here is that since I am a very emotionally driven person, the solution is not merely to calm down and sort my feelings, but to use them. Just as they can become my anchor, they are also my sail or engine. In order to be truly productive in a passionate way and not just dragging myself along with discipline, I need to let my emotions lead.
So I need to dream of my goal and romanticise the process of building my projects. I need to love the journey while being excited about the destination.
I hope being aware of this will make it easier for me to consciously get out of depressive phases where my projects can be stalled for months.
Still working on the databases, but I'm making visual progress. And by that I mean it's not just hidden backend functions or internal optimisations, but actual things on the frontend that you can interact with.
It's a very annoying thing with programming, that it isn't very presentable most of the time. It's kind of lonely working in constant obscurity, and the ratio between work effort and presentable results can at times make you feel like nothing is really happening, and yet you're mentally exhausted from working so much. It's one of the reasons I'm looking forward to get started with Blender, and doing more graphical stuff.
Of course, the programming will eventually become presentable when I actually complete something and put it online, but it's a very, very long road up the hill for that.
Also, besides the database stuff I've also made some useful UI components, like a file path selector and a textarea that allows tabbed input.
But now it's time to eat something...
I really suck at git commits.
The latest ones are like "Lots of stuff" with 38 files changed, followed by "More stuff" and 26 files changed, and so on. It's complete chaos.
But in my defense, I'm working alone on this project, it's not a stable version 1.0 yet, and it's not even released. There's really no need to be disciplined about such things at this stage, I feel.
Still, I'll admit it's not a good habit and I will eventually need to do it properly.
I guess it will make more sense when there is an issue tracking system involved.
I really look forward to having gotten that far with this mess.
Bleh. Got stuck with a complicated database issue and ran out of mental energy to figure out how to solve it.
Specifically, I need to run Cloudflare's miniflare with a different current working directory, but I can't find a setting for it. I need to run a worker in order to access the R2 database. I guess I need to do this differently.
But... I haven't eaten anything today and I feel tired. I'll come back to this tomorrow.
After much tedious experimentation and failing, I finally turned to the Cloudflare discord for help, and managed to get things sorted out regarding the R2 database. So the good news is that I now understand how I'm supposed to do this, but the bad news is that I need to learn the Amazon S3 API in order to get it done.
Well, it's not really bad news, I'm just exhausted and now there's a new thing I need to get familiar with.
As it turns out, the reason why the documentation for R2 is so thin, is because they've just made it a 1:1 copy of the S3 API for convenience, and simply refer to the Amazon API reference instead. I thought it was just an optional method of interacting with the database, but now I understand it's the primary one.
And in case you're wondering, Cloudflare's database is named R2 because it's a competitor to Amazon's S3 (Simple Storage Service), and they just reduced the letter and number by one, like a pun.
Anyway, this S3 documentation seems promising, and I'm finally making progress again.
I guess I can add GrapQL to my resume now as well.
It's needed for getting object count and bucket sizes from R2, which is useful information to display.
I love when there's a nice looking app for something, especially when it's free. In this case, I'm using Altair GraphQL Client.
Morning productivity mood:
I was on a Viking Line cruise ship during the weekend, which has become a bit of tradition with some of my friends. Not very exciting, and honestly I don't enjoy it very much, but these days it's one of the few opportunities to reconnect with my friends each year. It's basically our childhood friend Jakob who's the one connecting us all, and he's moved abroad since a few years back for work, but comes home to Sweden once in a while to just hang out.
When I say I don't enjoy it, it's because it's mostly about drinking and partying, which is not my version of fun at all. However, there's a buffé and I do like hotel rooms, which is basically what the cabin is. It's also nice for me to do something else once in a while except being an introvert at home. I can also be an introvert on a boat.
While everyone was at the dance floor, I had a nice 8 hour sleep, and even got some work done. It's actually a sign of having good friends when they invite you but don't care if you're different. I also ate two buffé's. One for dinner, and one for breakfast. Best trip so far.
However, it's made me feel weird today for some reason. I feel kind of sick but in an unspecified way. The only symptom is that my body feels extra sensitive, like if I had a fever, but I don't. And there's something subtly wrong with my stomache, yet not enough to hurt. I just feel weird and don't have any apetite. I'm not sure what's going on, but I'm really not up for being productive today.
So today is being pleasantly wasted on random YouTube videos, like modding SNES consoles, curious engineering ideas, carpet cleaning, finding long lost family members, renovating neglected houses, and so on... Just low effort binging.
Hopefully, productivity will resume as normal tomorrow.
Well, it was a fever. I became too tired to even watch YouTube lazily. I want to sleep, but I need to make a report to the unemployment agency. My mind is not fit for adulting right now... Ugh.
Day three of carpet cleaning and car detail cleaning videos on YouTube.
I'm feeling a little better, but it's till like my head is stuck in a hat that's too small, and I'm still completely drained of energy.
No productivity today either.
Had a very nerdy conversation with Tobias where we tried to figure out how to make gloves for King Midas. We decided that chain mail would do it.
Also, that he would 100% end up as prisoner in Russia, doomed to live out his life in a secret facility, making things into gold 24/7.
I think we ended up in this conversation after Tobias said Jesus was the best super hero as he could turn water into wine. I objected, as it ranks very low for me, being a non-drinker. Plus, there are plenty of super heroes with reality altering powers.
And we got to Jesus by discussing Christian atheism, but I don't remember how we got to that, except it had something to do with Tesla motors, Decepticons, and shimmering car paint.
Tobias and I get along so well.
Finally feeling well again!
But even if my energy and mental capacity is back, I still feel like resting today, so I won't be getting into 100% productivity mode immediately.
At least I can watch more intellectually engaging content on YouTube, so today's videos consist of things like entrepreneurial lessons, electronics projects, and how to etch clear acrylics with a diode laser.
I also had a phone conversation yesterday with a friend regarding building a large robot beetle for a movie based on Franz Kafka's "The Metamorphosis", which sounds interesting. I haven't read the book, but of course I know of it. I had Kafka mixed up with Zhuangzi though, as I believed Kafka was the one with the butterfly dream. I guess it's possible to be both intellectual and ignorant at the same time.
Anyway, I hope to get my head ready for complex programming again by tomorrow.
Well, today didn't turn out as I had planned, but it was still a very productive day.
Today we moved the last stuff from the old apartment, which was about four hours worth of carrying boxes down two flights of stairs. It was a whole workout session, for sure.
This means we're officially done moving, finally! That feels great. Now we're just waiting for some insurance money to arrive, so that we can start buyng some furniture and everything we have planned for our joint office and workshop room, which will be amazing.
Also, once that is in order, I have decided to start streaming on Twitch. Not for any desire or ambition of becoming "a streamer", but in order to keep a better routine around being productive. Ideally, I just want a small regular community of chill people who enjoys slow content about programming and crafting stuff. For instance, I'll be learning to use Blender, in order to make low-polygon characters for games. It would be nice to just have some pople to chat with meanwhile.
Feeling excited about a lot of things right now.
I just helped Tobias make an inventory of all his roleplaying books, for insurance purposes. After the fire, everything we own smells like smoke, and not really in a cozy Christmas fire kind of way, but more chemical and acid. It's not immediately repelling, but definitely noticable enough to bring the price down on anything we'd like to sell.
So, I spent the day cataloguing 103 books and researching their potential second-hand values, and ended up with an estimated sum of $5020! Not bad.
Over two thirds the books in this collection are out of print, and some are so rare they are impossible to find online. The oldest one's date back to 1982, and they span the golden age of old-school role playing in Sweden, all through the 90's. There's so much history and nostalgia here that it would have been a cultural setback if this had caught fire, for sure.
I even included three of my own books, with an unexpected sum of $330. More than half of what I had anticipated.
It's funny, because there's always that story of someone having an old Pokémon card or something that turns out to sell for thousands of dollars online, and you always wish you had some of your childhood crap saved just for such a reason. I feel like that just happened with some of these old and silly books, even if it's not any insane amounts.
Well, the most surprising one was Dark Heresy: Core Rulebook: No. 1 from 2008, with a listed price of $492. That's a lot, considering that the average new price for these kinds of books are around $60 today, which means around $40 in 2008. From $40 to $492 is a 1130% increase!
Of course, we don't expect to get the full $5020 from the insurance company, but I think we have enough leverage to make a case for half though. That's still great, and will help a lot with the workshop we have planned to build. We'll see how the negotiations go next week.
Since this week has been derailed by so many things that has prevented me from getting back into programming, I guess I had too many things bouncing around in my head and made me too distracted to focus today as well. But I figured that since it's Sunday, I don't need to feel too guilty about it.
The majority of today's energy has gone towards research and contemplation about zines and paper game designs, which are things I am very determined to become proficient in. Except for 3D-modeling and making electronics, it's the main realm of creative expression I intend to make an essential part of my life and identity, beyond just being a programmer.
Computer games intrigues me because they are such a versatile medium, combining so many forms of expression together into one contained experience. But the problem I have found is of course that they are so complex that what you are presented with as a player is just the tip of the iceberg of all that's required to make it work.
I am starting to get allergic to being stuck in development hell with projects, and long for a hobby that's less complex and more more tangible. I was overwhelmed with excitement when I realised that zines could be a suitable format for many of my ideas, as they are just as versatile as computer games in the way that they can be products of mixed media and artistic expression. Narration, illustrations, game systems, paper art, and so many more possibilities. The potential is truly inspiring, and there's both a community and market for it. It will allow me to sell things both digitally and physically, and make so that not everything in my life needs to be obscure and abstract, like code is.
So yeah, while I haven't been productive in the sense I'm aiming for, I still feel a sense of progress today.
I just had one of those moments where I feel the distinct lack of someone in my life with whom I could discuss the relationship between slime molds and Conway's Game of Life.
Like, is there a way to make an algorithm that simulates anticipation? Would that make the system able to plan ahead? Is intelligence basically an awareness of time?
I know there's forums and stuff to ask these kinds of questions in, but that's not the point. It's just one of those thought processes that makes it complicated for me to relate to other people, who don't have any points of reference for any of those things.
I'm not suggesting that I am particularly smart or unique, just reflecting on the nature of my introvertedness and social situation in life.
What I can tell you though, is that it's been a struggle to both overcome the fear of being alone and to feel comfortable with the company.
I used to fear turning 40, but despite everything, I feel like both my childhood self and teenage self are in agreement, that this was actually something to look forward to. I feel like it's all coming together here, finally, and I'm getting a sense of understanding what "happily ever after" actually looks like.
I've often felt like I lag behind in life, which I absolutely do, but it's also true that it will give me an unfair advantage, once I get my shit together. It means that I am able to design my life more freely and more consciously compared to most at this age, as they are restrained by so many commitments by now. My lack of progress in life suddenly makes me feel excitement rather than anxiety, as it's not really empty, just a blank slate, full of potential.
The usefulness of a cup is in its emptiness, indeed. As I'm slowly starting to figure out what I actually want from life, it's nice to feel that there's room for anything.
Finally got back to programming, and managed to solve a huge roadblock that's been a real problem for making progress with the R2 database. Basically there are two entirely different ways to interact with the local and remote database, and I just got it sorted out, so I should be able to complete the R2 section tomorrow.
That means I should be able to get back to actual website development the day after tomorrow. I know there are some readjustments needed in the web workflow, but those whould just be a matter of copy-pasting from the electron workflow. We'll see.
Anyway, I'm feeling a bit bored at the moment. Watching YouTube videos got repetitive. I want something low effort, perhaps a simple game for variation, but can't think of one that finds the right balance between being both easy and meaningful. At least not to the degree that matches my mood. Not sure what to do. Just stare at the ceiling for a while, I guess...